I’ve been trying to sleep for a while now, like an hour or two. While lying in the silence of the evening, I was reflecting on just how much my addiction affected my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever grasp the full extent, maybe that’s left for when I meet my maker. I know that it affected my life in a really big way. I mean, now that I put it down in print it sort of sounds obvious. I mean that I saw more of the effect it has had on my life in ways I hadn’t thought about before. That is probably the best way to put it.
Addiction still plays a big role in my life, and I suppose it will always play some sort of role in one way or another. For example, I’m currently vaping nicotine. I realized tonight that that addiction is getting out of control and I think that it is a replacement behavior. I want to say that once I get my apartment and settle in, I will quit but I know something is going to come up that will distract me. If I want to be honest with myself, I have to admit that I need to make a decision now. Set in stone a decision on quitting nicotine. I’ve been addicted to nicotine for 15 years now. I have been putting off quitting for that long.
The other night something had me thinking I’m addicted to food as well. I definitely used that as a replacement behavior after going into recovery. That’s another thing that I need to work on. Maintaining a healthy and balanced diet. Ha. Ha-ha. Seriously, they say to take it one thing at a time or all at once, right? At least that is what I’ve heard about addiction. I don’t want to hit burnout though.
I don’t know, see? Maybe I’m just doubting my abilities? Or! I’m being realistic. Who’s to know? I go through these sorts of “thought rubber bands”. Where I think one thing, snap to the polar opposite, then back again. I think it’s because I expect that I should have access to the consensus opinion on the things I think about. Is that an entitlement? Again, I don’t know. I’m just a tired, aging man typing on a laptop at one thirty in the morning.
I’ve said before that I think everybody is addicted to something. Tonight, I’m thinking that addiction cannot be evaded, only managed. Some people are better at managing their addiction(s) than others. Others, like me, spent half a lifetime seeking addiction whether to escape the trauma or just out of juvenile curiosity. My passion for pastries started in my adolescence. Addiction has been a lifelong struggle.
Friend, in the coaching world this is spoken about often: people replacing one addiction with another-some substance for another, anger, shopping, etc. The best way to mitigate it might be to connect in with a really great life coach.
It use to be taught that awareness was the first step, and it might be, but many choose not to progress past that point. Action is needed. Support is needed. Ways to deal with one’s emotions to be identified & lived.
Humanity uses all manner of things to cope or not cope-to suppress what is being felt. My guess is: better habits will be your way out.